Bert's Boots

It is written that on the day these boots were crafted, all evil beings in the universe shuddered with dread. Boots crafted of the leather of 10,000 slain elder gods stitched together with string from the golden fleece by a needle made with the same metal as Excalibur, these works of the master shoemaker Masamune III are unmatched by any other footwear. The Boots were enchanted by each of the Greco-Roman gods and thus granted them sentience. Masamune III, fearing that the evil would attempt to claim and corrupt the boots, hid the boots for 800 years within the ark of the covenant. The Boots were given to Bert by his old cooking/ martal arts master Bruce Leeroy after Bert successfully defeated every black belt in the world and simultaneously baked a souffle without the use of anything but his ears. It is still unlcear what Bruce Leeroy did with the other contents of the ark of the covenant. Bert has been common law married to his Boots since. They have three children.